John Tory steps up Toronto’s Amazon bid by becoming the first person to watch all of Mozart in the Jungle
TORONTO – Amidst reports that Ontario’s capital has been selected as one of the top 20 locations for Amazon’s new headquarters, mayor John Tory has proven there’s nothing he won’t do for his city…
Trump’s state of the union praised for including several big boy words
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Facebook’s ‘On This Day’ painful reminder that you used the word “wangster” in undergrad
LONDON, ON – Sources report that your Facebook “memories” have revealed that you used the word “wangster” in undergrad while commenting on a picture of your friend Todd who was holding a jo…
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
DAWSON CITY, YT – The Yukon Government is celebrating its first successful run of a brutalist-style river fountain, which attracted the curiosity of many residents and even stirred national…
Ontario Tories pledge to work almost as hard at reforming their party culture as they previously were at covering up their party culture
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Ontario PC leadership candidate Doug Ford hoping everyone has forgotten 2010 through 2014
TORONTO – Announcing his intention to replace disgraced Ontario Progressive Conservative leader, Patrick Brown, Doug Ford is banking that everyone has forgotten events occurring between the…
Mid-level drug dealer announces bid for Ontario PC leadership
TORONTO – A successful mid-level hash dealer named Doug Ford has announced his leadership bid for the Ontario Progressive Conservatives. The entrepreneur made the announcement earlier today…
Poll: Most Canadians support anti-anti-Islamophobia day
OTTAWA – On the one-year anniversary of the Quebec City Mosque shooting, a majority of Canadians say that they are supportive of an anti-anti-Islamophobia Day, according to a new poll. “Our…
Local man completely ignorant of world events after running out of free monthly articles
LANGLEY, BC – After reading the limit of eight articles in the first hour of the month, local resident Nima Petri has been completely cut off from all information beyond what is available t…
BREAKING: Man panics upon discovering karaoke song more than just chorus
WINNIPEG – Eyewitnesses are reporting that 32 year old customer service representative Evan Legault is having difficulty keeping it together after taking the stage at a local karaoke bar to…
