PALO ALTO – After Amazon Key revolutionized home delivery by allowing strangers into your house, the retail giant has launched a new service promising to permanently change the way your union representative plays with their kids.
“At Amazon, we’re always looking for ways to make the world a better place,” said CEO Jeff Bezos. “Unless, of course, those ways involve any sort of workers’ rights.”
The new service uses Amazon’s network of cloud cameras to locate the person who represents you in labour disputes with the managerial class. It then dispatches one of Amazon’s fleet of drones to deliver your choice of ‘tire iron’, ‘baseball bat’, or ‘tube sock filled with padlocks’ conveniently and repeatedly to that person’s joints.
The service is not restricted to Amazon Prime subscribers, and it is not optional.
“As always, customer service is our number one priority,” said Bezos. “Which, if you ever really stop to think about it, means that human rights are, at best, our number two priority.”
“But guess what– user friendliness is our number two priority. So I guess it’s starting to seem like human rights are kind of far down the list, isn’t it?”
While some say this is just the latest in Amazon’s exploitative relationship with labour, Prime subscribers say they’re amazed how, with just the click of a button, they can get same-day-delivery of their wrapped-in-a-carpet union rep to the bottom of the Hudson river.
The delivery service is just part of Amazon’s ongoing attempt to disrupt Synovial fluid; earlier this spring, dozens of six-foot Alexa units dressed as riot police were spotted using a firehose to break up a picket line.