Silicon Valley tech bro accidentally reinvents the guillotine
San Francisco – A Silicon Valley startup is expressing regret today after realizing their groundbreaking smart device is a reinvention of the guillotine. “I didn’t realize I was inventing t…
Told you so: How the minimum wage hike sank my Tiki-themed casket store
Well, here we are, just weeks into Kathleen Wynne’s small business killing minimum wage hike fiasco, and just as I predicted, my Tiki-themed casket store is closing its doors for good. Right from…
Free prescription drugs for young Ontarians program revitalizes fake ID sector
TORONTO – Since Kathleen Wynne’s program providing free prescription drugs for Ontarians aged twenty-four and under launched this month, the province has reported a sharp increase in fake ID purc…
Canada discovers paying millions to host World Cup easier than getting there by being good at soccer
OTTAWA – Canada has discovered a new way for its team to qualify for the World Cup: paying millions of dollars to host the event. The joint bid from Canada, the United States and Mexico to …
Report: Baby at Women’s March a better feminist than you’ll ever be
TORONTO – Thousands of angry women, badass non-binary people, and apologetic men took to the streets on Saturday for the second annual Women’s March. People from all walks of life were in attenda…
Sending of thoughts and prayers delayed by porn
DEER LAKE, AB – Coming to light several weeks after the incident, local man Jared Nelson, admits that his sending of thoughts and prayers over social media, to express heartfelt regret ov…
Kombucha makers urge public to “stay calm” following the escape of rogue scoby
GUELPH, ON – The makers of Calm Brew brand kombucha held a press conference today to tell local residents to “not panic” after a scoby – the living symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast re…
Trump beats spread by keeping US Government open almost 1 full year
WASHINGTON D.C. – At midnight, President Trump defied political pundits and Vegas bookmakers alike by keeping his United States Government open for a full year – much longer than any …
Local man celebrates birthday by treating himself to things he has in no way denied himself previously
HALIFAX — According to reports, local man Matt Burnham celebrated his 26th birthday by treating himself to things he consumes and/or partakes in on a regular basis. “It’s my birthday, so of cours…
