TORONTO – The summer’s newest ice cream trend finally allows customers to be their truest selves. Check out Kensington Market’s new ice cream shop, “Dry Your Ice”, featuring ice cream that you eat in your bed while crying.
“This ice cream is all the rage”, claims Trend Forecaster, Ronnie Doyle. “‘ I love mixing my dessert couture with the most unconscious emotional eating I can handle. The best part is, it’s so easy to Insta the ice cream because social media totally contributes to depression. #nofilter to show that redness around your eyes, right?!”
“Dry Your Ice”, has two ways to enjoy their product. To eat in store, they will provide you with a bed and your ex’s Facebook password so you can check their DM’s and realize you weren’t crazy, because they were for sure cheating on you. For a to-go option, the trendy staff will treat you with such neglect while serving you, it will be sure to trigger mommy or daddy issues you have.
“I was really excited to go because of the hype” recalls Brenda Stroman, lawyer, 32. “While I was waiting in line, I remembered how I used to care about stuff but now I feel like nothing matters. By the time I was served, I barely had the energy to consume my two litre box of cookie dough while tossing and turning in their Egyption Cotton sheets.”
Shop owner Douglass Treehorn explained, “I opened the store because I couldn’t do anything with my B.A in English. And that bummed me out so hard I was in bed with “Moosetracks” for days. But, I knew I had a business for people who really need ice cream- people completely avoiding their feelings. Plus our beds are super cute, and you can hashtag the shit out of them!”
While many Torontonians claim to not need “Dry Your Ice” ice cream because they “are emotionally in charge”- numbers don’t lie, due to the store’s immense popularity on weekends around 2:45 AM.