KINGSTON — Stunning fellow customers and cashiers alike with his nerves of steel, local adrenaline junkie Todd Foster struck a blow for the environment this Thursday by only asking for 4 grocery bags, as opposed to the recommended 5.
“Are you sure you can fit all those groceries into 4 bags,” asked the quivering Food Mart cashier, no doubt perspiring with anticipation as Foster risked it all to prevent the environmental impact an extra bag would no doubt have wreaked on the local ecosystem.
While nearby Food Mart consumers demonstrated absolutely zero regard for Mother Earth, selfishly taking as many non-biodegradable bags as their environmentally un-conscious hands could carry, Foster took a bold stand. Refusing to be a part of the problem any longer, witnesses say Foster sized up his purchases, which clearly called for 5 bags at least, and made the difficult sacrifice of limiting himself to merely 4.
According to onlookers, the modern-day Atticus Finch maintained a steely resolve as he deftly calculated the space required to condense his weekly groceries into 4 meagre plastic bags. “I don’t think that’s enough,” muttered Gladys Jenkins, 76, as she watched the devil may care green warrior move a box of Eggos from one perilously-stuffed bag to another.
This is not the first time the simple people of Kingston have been awed by tales of Foster playing with fire in order to save the planet, like a white David Suzuki. Many have whispered about his expert-level skill with an exacto knife, which he wields like the shogun of old to break down cardboard boxes for recycling. Others claim to have once seen Foster pick up a used Pepsi can that had been littered by a passing lowlife, presenting the aluminum refuse to the offending scoundrel, and shaming him with a simple, “You dropped this”.
“I’m just trying to conserve,” explained Foster, displaying his trademark saintly level of humility in the face of his magnanimous feat. Banishing fears of his overstuffed plastic bags ripping in the parking lot, Foster hoisted his precariously packed purchases, and set off for his similarly eco-conscious Ford Fiesta.
As Foster nimbly juggled his groceries on his way out the Food Mart door, a new eco warrior appeared to challenge his awe-inspiring feat: a woman who brought mother-fucking cloth bags.