Middle-aged men storm the television sets of the nation for D-Day documentaries
OTTAWA – Over one million middle-aged men will attempt to establish a foothold on couches and chairs across the country to witness the events of the D-Day landings as told through historica…
VIA Rail installs longer station platform for star-crossed lovers to chase train
MONTREAL – VIA Rail will be extending all of its station platforms in order to accommodate any lovers who want a few more fleeting moments saying goodbye to their soulmates by chasing the t…
Doug Ford’s approval rating surges among hacked BMO and Simplii Financial customers
TORONTO — A new poll reveals unanimous support for Doug Ford and the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party from BMO and Simplii Financial customers affected by the recent data breach. “I’ve neve…
Toronto Police replace 30 police cars with one environmentally friendly police streetcar
TORONTO – As part of an initiative to reduce TPS’ carbon footprint, 30 police cruisers have been replaced with one state of the art police streetcar. “We expect some growing pains for sure,…
I’m pretty sure that crossing guard thinks I’m a kid
By: David Hester, 33. Does that crossing guard think I’m a kid? We definitely made eye contact when I was waiting for the walk signal at an intersection I would describe as “not worthy of concern…
Doug Ford finds millions in efficiencies in brother’s widow’s inheritance
Etobicoke, ON – After Renata Ford, his brother’s widow, accused him of stealing money from her Rob Ford’s estate, Doug Ford issued a statement showing how his cost-cutting measures actually…
Disneyland creates immersive fairytale experience by turning workers into feudal serfs
Anaheim, CA – Taking the lead in the new immersive entertainment trend, Disneyland has begun treating their workers like peasants to provide park goers with an authentic feudal experience t…
Lifelong New Democrat excited to vote NDP for first time
Peterborough, ON – Having been a die-hard NDP supporter since he was in undergrad, local man Jason Newman, 33, is looking forward to not strategically voting for the Liberals in order to be…
Woman dies under accumulated mountain of small, quaint succulents
GUELPH, ON – Police have confirmed that 32 year old Olivia Siegel passed away Sunday afternoon underneath a mountain of quaint little succulents of her own creation. The young woman had beg…
Roommate realizes she can clean the whole floor and not just the parts that show
HAMILTON, ON – Making a what sources are calling a “breakthrough,” local Roommate, Cicely McDonald, discovered this week that she can sweep and mop the entire floor, and not just the secti…
