PINCHER CREEK, AB – Creating a clearly audible noise similar to the straining of an already-tight rubber band, local father-in-law Ken Gardner squeezed his anal sphincter shut at the sight of his son-in-law Cameron Baltz tearing up during a story about a shelter for aging farm animals.
“Who wants a beer?” asked Gardner, in a hasty attempt to change the subject while also hoping to chemically relax his critically strained levels of lower-intestinal muscle tension. “I’m getting a beer.”
Baltz has been married to Gardner’s daughter Naomi for two years, during which time he has chosen to display his emotions on numerous uncomfortable occasions. Each one of the instances that Gardner witnessed produced a similar level of tension in various parts of his bowels, along with gritted teeth, throat dryness, and a massive increase in the total number of visibly pulsing forehead veins.
“I was just telling everybody about this beautiful video I saw on Facebook about this sanctuary where all the animals seemed so happy and I… I’m sorry,” Baltz explained, before pausing to dab away tears. “I never did figure out what that sound was at the dinner table when I first told that story. It was almost like when a clown makes a balloon animal, but angry.”
Gardner’s aversion to any sort of male displays of emotion was well-managed for many years prior to adding Baltz to his family. “I don’t have much truck with that froofy stuff when I’m with Don or Skip or Freddie,” he stated, mentioning the names of friends whose deep inner lives he has no knowledge of. “Happy, pissed off, tired, that’s enough for me.”
The evening ended with Baltz’s attempt at hugging Gardner once again resulting in a handshake and Gardner retreating to his basement to release his accumulated tension in a private ritual that reportedly involves watching a clip from Ken Burn’s Baseball about Lou Gehrig.
