WASHINGTON – After extensive examination by the Senate Judiciary Committee, a calendar from 1982 – submitted by Supreme Court hopeful Brett Kavanaugh to disprove allegations that he committed sexual assault, as he had made no record of the evening in question – appears to contain further bombshell evidence: handwritten notes which seem to prove that Styx, a progressive rock band active at the time, rules.
Evidence of the band ruling – in the form of a concise yet stylized “Styx Rules” written in block letters with a blue ballpoint pen– could have far reaching implications, including Styx finally being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, if the notes do indeed constitute empirical evidence that they rule.
“We’d all been operating under the assumption that Styx was, at best, kind of corny but pretty good,” said committee chairman Chuck Grassley. “There had been little evidence to suggest that they actually rule, but Kavanaugh wrote that they do in his day planner, and anything that 17-year-old boy did or did not write down at the time has to be treated as objectively true.”
“And that’s to say nothing of the countless bands he did not say ruled, bands that I think we all assumed ruled, but I mean it’s not in there, so,” added Grassley.
Many are skeptical as to the weight the new exhibit carries, including attorney Michael Avenatti. “We’re expected to believe that Kavanaugh kept detailed records of all his comings and goings, and still has them 36 years later,” Avenatti told CNN, “and that he was moved to write down that Styx ruled in the summer of 1982, almost a year before Kilroy Was Here came out? When their last release was Paradise Theatre, a concept album that had come out in ‘81? It just doesn’t add up.”
Kavanaugh submitted the materials in response to allegations of an assault he is accused to have committed in the summer of 1982 – a summer the calendar suggests he mainly spent trying and failing to properly draw the Led Zeppelin “ZoSo” symbol.
The committee plans to hear testimony from Styx frontman Dennis DeYoung, as soon as they hire an assistant who was also in Styx and can therefore interview him appropriately.