NORTH VANCOUVER, BC – Following the success of progressive initiatives like paper straws and the Beyond Meat burger, A&W Canada, who has already committed to using chickens raised without antibiotics, has announced that it will now only be using meat from chickens raised without hope for the future.
“To murder chickens that are envisioning a full, vibrant life ahead if them would be needlessly cruel,” said A&W Canada CEO Susan Senecal. “So we have taken the humane step of ensuring that the chickens that die have come to the realization that their life has no meaning, and is not going to be getting any better.”
To determine which chickens have hope for the future and which see life as a long circling of a toilet bowl leading to a violent and pointless death, A&W did comprehensive interviews with each chicken before killing it, asking the chicken about its views on a variety of topics, from its personal life, to politics, and sports. If the chicken had even an inkling of sunny days ahead, they were mercifully taken out of the chicken factory and released into the wild to live their best life. Otherwise, they were killed and made into patties.
To guarantee that A&W would have enough chickens to feed its customers, all chickens at A&W farms are taught from a young age not to expect much from life, and are fed a steady diet of Radiohead, Russian literature and holocaust documentaries.
“You can really taste the despair!” gushed guest Tina Thompson, 37, of Barrie, Ontario, one of the first A&W customers to try a Chubby Chicken made with the new policy. “I know this chicken wouldn’t appreciate how much its meat brings a smile to my face, because that’s something a more optimistic chicken would consider. But I appreciate it anyway. Thanks, sad chicken!”
At press time, every single one of the chickens classified as ‘hopeful’ that were released into the wild outside the chicken factory had been consumed by coyotes or run over by trucks carrying chickens.