Trinity Bellwoods Park introduces bottle service

TORONTO – In partnership with Smirnoff Citrus TM one of Toronto’s most popular parks to get totally hammered in, Trinity Bellwoods, is implementing bottle service at all its picnic tables. “For y…

Breaking: Man kicked off basic income pilot project still can’t afford beer

Hamilton, ON – In the wake of the Ford government’s statement that it was bringing ‘Buck a Beer’ back to Ontario by Labour Day, resident and, until this week, recipient of Ontario’s Basic I…

Going out of business sale really highlighting why business failed

VANCOUVER – A local lawn ornament store is holding a going out of business sale that neighbours in the area are saying does a great job showcasing all the reasons the business was a ridicul…

Friend has the balls to schedule wedding on long weekend

London, ON – Reports from the area have indicated that local man Steve Marchand had the sheer audacity to hold his wedding to Lisa Braxton on the Saturday of the August long weekend. “The b…

Nation shares a laugh after remembering what Boris Johnson looks like

CANADA — Following reports that former UK Foreign Minister Boris Johnson has been building an alliance with Trump advisor Steve Bannon, his recent departure from Parliament, and numerous ot…

Suspicious unattended bag just happy to be noticed

CALGARY — Doing its best to remain humble, a Dunlop overnight bag left unattended at the city’s International Airport is reportedly drawn the attention of onlookers as well as the Calgary B…

Staff morale at all-time low after office dog tenders resignation

VANCOUVER – Staff at local tech startup Coral Solutions were shocked to learn on Friday that Cupcake, the 5-year-old pug that had been with the company for over two years, had formally subm…

Pope denounces inhumane death penalty in favour of endless demonic torture

VATICAN CITY – Changing the Catholic Church’s position on capital punishment, Pope Francis has denounced the death penalty as inhumane and unacceptable in all cases, recommending instead ev…

Houseplant dead at three weeks

VICTORIA B.C. — The Collier family have announced with great sadness the passing of their household purple orchid, a mere three weeks after buying it. “Though we did our best to give it a home, o…

Millionaire condo owner regrets insisting on different entrance for social housing after installation of guillotine

VANCOUVER – Now that a large guillotine has been erected in front of the West End tower that contains his $2.4 million condo, investment banker Wesley Sanderson wants everyone to know how d…