CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running his han...
Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2 meters away
EDMONTON – Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who’ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public serva...
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days
CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, so alo...
Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds
VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds less ...
Local woman scrambling to find single presentable corner in decrepit apartment for work Skype meeting
Gimli, MB – As workplaces across the globe are switching to a work from home model amid the Covid-19 pandemic, 26 year old administrative coordinator, Madeline Wilson was spotted scrambling to a...
Monopoly banned during quarantine to prevent homicide increase
OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro’s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in boar...
Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail
CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally be han...
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer games ...
Biden announces he’ll make more public appearances when Animal Crossing: New Horizons stops being so sick
WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constituents m...
Kremlin still can’t remember trigger word to activate Bernie Sanders
MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious. “Be...
