CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda.
“I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running his hand along the sturdy moleskine cover. “My favourite part is the monthly calendar highlighting important dates, holidays, and the Drag Race release schedule. I also love that there is a designated area to record brunch plans.”
Rolands admitted that he expected the agendas to be more sparkly with “Yas Queen” or “Slay Bitch” embossed across their covers, but soon realized he was going in with outdated, preconceived ideas as to what the agenda “should look like”.
“I was surprised as to how ordinary the agenda looks,” exclaimed Rolands, ordering several more online for friends.
Flashier patterns, as well as a spectrum of colours and even some more muted tones for people who like that, will be available by the end of the month. According to the product description, customers are encouraged to choose a design that works for them.
However, not everyone has supported the office supply chain’s new line of organizers.
“How dare Staples push the homosexual agenda,” declared Debbie Markley, one of three members of the Christian Right group One Million Moms. “We are upholding traditional family values and the fact that the calendar gives each day its own box, while Saturday and Sunday have to share one, is blasphemous!
“Sunday is the Lord’s day and I want to fill my box with the Lord,” added Markley, pushing back her mullet. Markley went on the cite the colourful tab dividers and the to-do list section as “clear proof that the homosexuals are organizing.”
“Next, they’ll infiltrate schools, bathrooms, the military, malls, churches, and the government in order to promote a certain lifestyle. They’ve already co-opted Halloween. What’s next? Louis Riel Day? Think of the children!” One Million Moms have taken issue with the agenda’s outside pen loop, as the “inserting of a pencil motion” suggested sodomy and the 30 lined pages dedicated for notes as encouraging sinful thoughts.
In regards to the backlash, Staples CEO Jeff Binders stated that they don’t plan on removing their most popular item. “We, like every other company out there, are jumping on the ‘woke’ bandwagon and capitalizing off social movements. Now that it’s cool to do so, we’re taking a stand and drawing a clean, solid line between church and state – with the new rainbow PrideTM chisel tip permanent marker!”
At press time, Staples have announced the production of a Christian Right daily planner with “Love thy neighbour as thyself” on the front cover and a double sided pocket page for storing double standards.