Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail - The Beaverton
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Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail

CANADA — As the situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally be handled with a single e-mail.

“I’ve worked in marketing for over a decade,” reported Marcus Gerber, of Montreal, “and I never had any idea that the vast majority of my meetings, consultations, and brainstorming sessions could be summed up by one concisely written e-mail.”

“And a pantsless e-mail at that,” Gerber added enthusiastically from his home .

While a majority of the now-isolated workforce normally puts in a full time 8-hour day at their place of employment, many currently report “banging the entire thing out by about 10am”, followed by a routine of: refreshing for new e-mails; watching Netflix; and in some cases an 11am alcoholic beverage.

A recent study by Stats Canada has attempted to account for the workplace hours that quarantine measures have revealed to be totally unnecessary. Data indicates the bulk of superfluous office hours consist of: printed memos, strategy sessions, trust falls, eating baked goods, buying baked goods for everyone to eat, all in-person meetings, coffee breaks, escaping to the bathroom just to look at one’s phone, and any discussion of “whatever it is Susan thinks she’s doing”.

As part of a the study, Canadian officials have drafted a single “all purpose” work e-mail, which they maintain will handle the vast majority of all workplace functions and communications:

“Good morning,

Pursuant to our previous conversation, please keep current levels of output steady, and update me regularly. Best to your family!

signed,

______”

“If I’d know this, I would have stopped showing up for work years ago,” explained systems analyst Cheryl Johenson, of Calgary. “Not only has my job description been winnowed down to one single email per day, but I never have to see a single one of my stupid office workers face-to-face. They may as well be fictional characters for all I care!”

While many workers have expressed surprise over the single-email revelation, some more experienced Canadians have registered less shock. “We’ve known this for decades,” explained Lester Marksman, VP of Banking Services for RBC. “Back in the 80’s we understood most jobs could be handled by a single phone call. In the 90’s, it was a single fax. I’m just glad we’ve nearly gotten this completely streamlined!”

Meanwhile, Parliament will introduce legislation legally mandating all Canadians to once again pretend their jobs require a full 40-hour week post-COVID-19.