Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2 meters away - The Beaverton
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Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2 meters away

EDMONTON – Alberta is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who’ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public servant by shouting at them from a safe distance or threatening them through electronic messaging.

“If you have a disagreement with someone, it’s important to stay 2-3 meters away from them while standing outside their homes and yelling at them,” the MLA said while taking a break from screaming at one of his neighbours. “No matter how much we might want to, we all have to refrain from getting up in someone’s face during this pandemic. Get up in their business, sure, but stay away from their face.”

“And if you’re going to organize a group or ‘mob’ to go to someone’s house to bellow abuse at them, make sure to keep it to fewer than 15 people, as per the province’s guidelines,” Shandro added.

As a health minister, Shandro considers it his duty to demonstrate proper physical distancing by ensuring that, in every instance of him telling off anyone who has accused him of having a conflict of interest because he is part owner of a company that stands to benefit from cuts to Alberta’s provincial health coverage, the telling off has been executed from a safe distance and all future tellings off will continue to be executed from safe distances in the interests of public health.

“While some accusations may still require a personal presence to shriekingly refute them, if you can threaten people into silence by email or text, that is of course preferable,” Shandro said, firing off another email vowing to unleash the legislature’s security services on a citizen who questioned his ethics.

“We all have to do our part to stop the spread of COVID-19 and also the spread of any discussion of the allegation that several members of my family are personally benefiting from decisions I’ve made while in government.”

At press time, Shandro was addressing NDP leader Rachel Notley’s calls for him to step down by shouting at her from the street outside her house.