OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro’s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in board game related homicides.
“We applaud the Canadian people for their cooperation during this difficult time,” a spokesperson for the Crown declared, “but despite recommendations from EMS, Police and even Poison Control, multiple households have played the deadly game of Monopoly, causing untold property damage and skyrocketing our homicide numbers.”
Prior to the current quarantine situation, Monopoly was responsible for approximately 34% of household murders, including 13% of strangulation and a shocking 100% of tiny-top-hat related clubbings.
Officials have advised citizens to be on the look-out for the tell-tale signs of surreptitious Monopoly games being played in their neighbourhoods, including but not limited to: rattling tables, game pieces strewn about the floor, and shouts of “You have all the fucking railroads you dipshit!” or “Why the FUCK did you sell them Boardwalk AND Park Place?”
The new legislation will exempt games of Monopoly currently being played, which are expected to last for another 5 goddamn hours?! Are you shitting me, Dave?! What, being the banker not enough of a powertrip for you?!