VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds less than the currently recommended guidelines.
“I’m not going to let fear rule my life,” Bryant bragged to the press as he flipped open a switch-comb and brazenly used it to apply a rub-on tattoo. “Sometimes I don’t even wash the wrist. I know that scares people, but that’s how I roll.”
Known locally as ‘that guy on the scooter with his helmet chinstrap unfastened,’ Bryant’s been riding the cutting edge of urban bravado since the day he waded through a beach tide despite the sign clearly stating there was no lifeguard on duty. Since then he’s been thrilling his risk-addicted Instagram followers with a steady flow of daredevil feats, including running yellow lights, standing still in the passing lane of the escalator, and eating all the wasabi that came with his California roll.
But with this latest stunt, authorities worry that Bryant may have finally gone too far.
“He’s really taken us into uncharted territory,” announced British Columbia Health Officer Dr. Bonnie Henry at her daily coronavirus briefing. “Every citizen in the province has done their part to keep this pandemic under control by self-isolating and washing their hands for the recommended length of time. Bryant’s recklessness could lead to global chaos not seen since the Norwegian salsa double-dipping incident of ‘07.”
BC District Attorney David Eby is looking into the matter, and the province is promoting harsh prison sentences for imitators with their new media campaign, “15 Will Get You 30.”