Okay, this is going to be a tough read, so make sure you’re sitting down. Reports have confirmed that Toronto woman Katie Flenderson, who some are calling the absolute worst human being on the face of the earth, just said she misses brunch.
“Don’t get me wrong–given that we continue to be in a pandemic, I know that missing going brunch is a really silly thing to be thinking about,” Flenderson told reporters, many of whom had to be physically restrained from retching.
“Honestly, though, I can’t stop thinking about a time where we could all just sit together on a patio and get some mimosas,” she added, like this is some kind of sick fucking joke.
The 28-year-old web designer, who spends her spare time making masks for her community and volunteering at a homeless shelter, stated that she “wants to hug her friends” and “really misses those small joys”.
Spoiler alert, lady, we ALL DO.
Flenderson, who has been described by those close to her as “true scum”, “a stain on her family’s name”, and “the greatest threat to humans’ stability since Stalin”.
In addition to missing brunch, Flenderson specifically reports missing “getting a really nice plate of eggs…ooh, with a little fresh ground pepper from one of those big grinders. I know it’s kind of frivolous, but that would be so nice. So comforting.”
News of Flenderson’s conduct has hit her family particularly hard.
“The day Katie was born and I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew that I was looking down at a bottomless, inexplicable evil that could never be truly extinguished” Flenderson’s mother, June, tearfully told reporters.
In a hideous display of iniquity, Flenderson later said the thing she missed the most was the cutlery rolled up in the little napkins.
Yet in addition to missing brunch, Flenderson’s seemingly boundless evil extends to missing “window shopping”, “that feeling you get when you just barely catch the bus just in time”, and even “really icey movie theatre coke.”
At least in times like these, we can all take comfort in knowing that no matter how bad we get, at least we’re not some lady who seriously wishes she could go to brunch.