TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford announced this week that in order to calm public uncertainty about what Ontarians are supposed to be doing to keep themselves safe during the COVID-19 pandemic, the province would officially be easing restrictions today from “confusing” to “we have zero clue what’s going on anymore.”
“I understand that the restrictions during Ontario’s first stage of reopening have been complicated,” Ford said, speaking to reporters while making a golf reservation on his phone under the podium. “That is why, beginning Friday, we are entering Stage 2, which will be much more convoluted. This stage allows for gatherings of up to ten people- unless, of course, four or more of them have been within exactly thirty-two feet of a complete stranger who might have been exposed to COVID-19, or one of those ten has looked at a full moon in the last month.”
“Or,” he continued. “You live in Toronto or a few other cities that don’t matter as much. They’re all still in Stage 1. I think. Wait, I’ve actually just been informed that this rule applies regardless of which stage you’re in. God this is complicated.”
Ontario’s Minister of Health Christine Elliot recently attempted to explain what businesses were going to be opening without breaking out in hives.
“As of today, if your region is in Stage 2, public businesses such as restaurant patios, hair salons, and swimming pools are now open,” she explained. “But only if you promise that you’ll be good and won’t drive through any Stage 1 areas. However, you still need to maintain social distancing! Except you can hug people now! But only certain people, or you’ll kill them! Like your uncle, but not your sister. Sisters are Stage 3 people.”
Concerned Toronto parent Marianne Rider confessed that she was still not clear on the rules regarding childcare.
“They told me childcare was opening up across the province for kids below the age of two or over four and a half, unless they’re named Timothy, in which case they have to wait another month,” she said, visibly frustrated. “I’ll just homeschool my kid until college. That honestly sounds easier than figuring this shit out.”
At press time, Ford had just declared that in order to move into Stage 3, Ontarians would have to either wear masks everywhere but odd-numbered addresses for exactly three weeks, or promise never to say the words “Trinity Bellwoods” again.