From the moment I launched my campaign, I have said that we are in the battle for the soul of this nation. A battle that could last a generation, requiring sacrifices and introspection. But I have a different strategy in mind – I propose we unconditionally surrender. The Republicans’ll never see that coming. “Why are they surrendering?” they’ll ask. But we won’t tell ‘em. And that’s how we’ll win.
Once that plan sees me safely into the White House, I intend to tackle the police with the exact same tactic. They won’t see it coming either, they’ll expect a different tactic, they’ll expect defunding and accountability, and I’ll give ‘em the ol’ switcheroo by giving them everything they want with less oversight than ever!
I’ll bury them in tanks and tear gas, drown them in money for overtime and brutality lawsuits.
Once I’m president, I’ll insist police departments lower their training standards from 8 hours of de-escalation training to a couple rides down an escalator. I’ll buy them so many helicopters they’ll beg me to stop. “We don’t need this many helicopters, we’ve got nowhere to put them” they’ll say, and you know what I’ll say? “Here, have another chopper.” Not chopper like motorcycle, chopper like helicopter. But I’ll also throw in a motorcycle, so they won’t even know what chopper I was referring to. Keep ‘em on their toes.
I’ve long been a firm believer in the power of community policing – getting cops out of their cruisers and building relationships with the people and the communities they are there to serve and protect, so Imma give the cops $300 million to flood overpoliced neighborhoods with even more police. They’ll be squeezed in these streets so tight none of them will be able to oppress the local community without tripping all over each other, like The Three Stooges, everyone likes The Three Stooges, I sure do.
I am intimately familiar with how police in the country think, as someone who used to let police lobbyists write my bills for me. Nothing surprises them more than being given what they ask for without argument, so imagine how surprised they’ll be when I give ‘em a hundred times what they ask for. I don’t support defunding the police, I support love bombing the police, by supplying them with actual bombs. Do they even want bombs? ‘Cause they’ll get ‘em, whether they want ‘em or not.
Once the police are flush with all the cash and vehicles the federal government can pile onto them, they’ll stop civil asset forfeiture because there’ll be nowhere to put the seized assets. They’ll also be nicer, because if I know anything about the world, it’s that you can always trust the wealthy. They already have all the money, so they have no reason not to shoot straight, that’s why I rely so heavily on them as campaign advisors. I’m talking about metaphorical shooting, but also literal shooting, once all the cops are sitting pretty like dragons on the horde of equipment and money I’ll shower them with, I’ll slyly ask ‘em to start aiming for the legs.
“Sure, Joe,” they’ll say, “you gave us so much, it’s the least we could do.”
I’m ready to do this work, starting on Day One. Nothing less is acceptable from an American president.