US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears. “We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wh…
Local woman unsure why she’s crying
VICTORIA, B.C. – 34-year-old Olivia Vasquez was left puzzled when she started crying in line at the grocery store, seemingly without cause, earlier today. “I was in line to buy a thing of m…
Woman who has watched every Democratic debate cannot name MPP
TORONTO – After watching all 7 US Democratic debates, participating in numerous Twitter arguments regarding the primaries and listening to dozens of podcasts about the various factors that …
Local father sad there’s only two months left to lecture about the importance of snow tires
Belleville, ON – After realizing that it was already late February, local road safety enthusiast and self described father, Hank Jebbs was heartbroken that there is only another two months …
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
Alberta Court of Appeal orders climate change to respect provincial boundaries
EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional, the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how e…
Teck pulls application for oil sands mine after finding out about the existence of oil prices
FORT McMURRAY, AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the co…
Weinstein threatens to sexually assault courthouse unless ending scene of his trial is re-written
NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse…
Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it
REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own. “I was late to vaping in the first place,” sai…
