Fairweather Raptors fans excited for whenever the season starts

TORONTO – From coast to coast to coast, fans of the NBA Champion Toronto Raptors who started following the team during last year’s historic playoff run are expressing excitement for the sta…

Harry fired from temp job after giving too many inspirational speeches at drive thru window

VICTORIA – The Duke of Sussex’s employment at a local Tim Hortons was terminated today after he repeatedly gave customers long, uplifting speeches about their important role in society. The…

Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women

TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the fi…

Conservatives shorten leadership race by having dairy lobby just tell them next leader

TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell t…

Trump starts trade war with Australia just to feel something

WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.” Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on A…

Military’s procurement of generic snow shovel 10 years late, $6 billion over budget

OTTAWA – The Department of National Defence’s procurement process to replace its aging snow shovels has been further delayed while the cost has inflated to over $6 billion. The military has…

St. John’s residents give up shovelling, build a new city on top of the old one

ST JOHN’S – Early reports indicate that residents of St. John’s, Newfoundland have given up removing snow from roads, sidewalks, and roofs, and have started building a new provincial capita…

Hundred Acre Wood unrecognizable after years of unregulated resource extraction

HUNDRED ACRE WOOD – The world was stunned today by images that reveal that the imaginary land which Winnie-the-Pooh (and Tigger too) call home has been ravaged by logging and fracking compa…

Rex Murphy parachuted into Australian wildfires to deny climate change

SYDNEY – Postmedia columnist and professional old man Rex Murphy has been parachuted into Australia’s massive forest where support for denying climate change and doing nothing about it has …

Local commuter fantasizes about world on other side of salt-caked bus window

WINNIPEG — While riding the number 12 William bus on her daily morning commute Jaynice Shermer, 37, actively fantasized about the world hidden just outside the filthy bus window. “What wond…