PM causes economy to crash by purchasing doughnuts from local business instead of Brazilian investment firm

WINNIPEG – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has obliterated the Canadian economy by purchasing doughnuts at a local business instead of the country’s largest chain of quick service restaurants…

Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou

VANCOUVER – Tens of thousands of Canadians came out to a Vancouver courthouse to show their support of Meng Wangzhou after we were paid $150 by Huawei to write this article. “Free Meng now!…

BREAKING: Woman who has absorbed decades of unhinged misogynist vitriol does not like one guy

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following reports of Hillary Clinton’s strong criticisms of Bernie Sanders’ campaign and career, the nation has been staggered by the news that a woman who has endured 30 …

Sanders campaign relieved to have dodged Clinton endorsement

WASHINGTON, DC – Following revelations in a new documentary that Hillary Clinton does not support Bernie Sanders, the Sanders campaign office has responded with great relief that they have …

Fairweather Raptors fans excited for whenever the season starts

TORONTO – From coast to coast to coast, fans of the NBA Champion Toronto Raptors who started following the team during last year’s historic playoff run are expressing excitement for the sta…

Harry fired from temp job after giving too many inspirational speeches at drive thru window

VICTORIA – The Duke of Sussex’s employment at a local Tim Hortons was terminated today after he repeatedly gave customers long, uplifting speeches about their important role in society. The…

Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women

TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the fi…

Conservatives shorten leadership race by having dairy lobby just tell them next leader

TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell t…

Trump starts trade war with Australia just to feel something

WASHINGTON D.C. -— President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated a trade war with Australia “Just so I can finally know I am truly alive.” Trump personally made the announcement of tariffs on A…

Military’s procurement of generic snow shovel 10 years late, $6 billion over budget

OTTAWA – The Department of National Defence’s procurement process to replace its aging snow shovels has been further delayed while the cost has inflated to over $6 billion. The military has…