TORONTO – With the sale of TorStar, the publishing company that owns the Toronto Star and dozens of other papers, to a pair of wealthy tycoons, the Canadian newspaper industry is now wholly in the hands of the villains of every kids movie.
“It’s a shame, the Toronto Star was the last major newspaper in Canada that wasn’t owned by the kind of individual who is regularly thwarted in their attempts to close down a local teen center by a band of plucky camp counselors and their adorable dog,” said Joyce Brendon, the head of Cartoonishly Evil Media Baron Studies at McGill University.
“Sinister ownership of major newspapers has been a tradition in Canadian media going back to Conrad Black founding the National Post for the express purpose of doing a series of exposés on a young child whose chocolate ice cream cone Black unknowingly sat on, making it look like he shit his pants before an important business meeting.”
While it’s not yet certain that the new owners of TorStar will be using their powerful platform to advocate for making coats out of puppies, they are wealthy financiers with a history of donating heavily to conservative politicians including Maxime Bernier, whose attacks on teenage activist Greta Thunberg are legendary in the “I’m an adult whose nemesis is a child” community.
“The best advice I can give to Canadians who are unsettled by the fact that virtually every newspaper in Canada is now owned by someone who has at one point in their life screamed ‘BRING ME THAT SNOT-NOSED BRAT!’ is to start supporting independent media organizations who are still doing hard-hitting investigative journalism,” Brendon said.
“And if you ever see a furious man in a top hat and tails chasing a terrified school child through a crowded city street, please help the child get away by distracting the man with questions about why his papers don’t cover municipal politics anymore, they may not be glamorous but they are important.”
Note from The Beaverton Editorial Board: As this article shows, the fact that The Beaverton has recently been purchased by a local sea witch will not impact the nature of the stories we publish. We will continue to hold the powerful accountable, including spoiled mermaids who think that just because they’re royalty, they are somehow above legally binding contracts.