Worst American pardons fourth-worst Canadian
TORONTO – Canada’s fourth-worst person, Conrad Black, is celebrating alone after receiving a pardon from America’s worst individual, their president. “If being the worst is a crime,” Trump told r…
Parents finally buy 30-year-old woman Motorola Razr
TORONTO – After nearly two decades, a family feud was finally put to rest during a celebratory dinner after 30-year-old Karleigh Byrne was gifted a Motorola Razr V3 by her parents for her recent …
Fans angry Game of Thrones ended with all contenders saying “good game” and slapping hands
VANCOUVER – Fans around the world are furious about the Game of Thrones series finale, which consisted of nearly eighty uninterrupted minutes of the characters congratulating each other for…
Police called on man trying to control women’s bodies
BEAMSVILLE, ON – Niagara Regional Police were called on a man accused of advocating for the coercion of women into having children, and preventing access to safe and legal health services. …
John Wick 3 Review: Is this, like, feminism?
Feminism is a collection of social and political movements with the goal of achieving equality of the genders. John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum is a stylized action movie about a highly tr…
QUIZ: Oh God, what now?
It’s been a long week! You’re tired, fed up, and the pizza you’re eating to make yourself feel better is weirdly making you feel worse. But after a long day of staring at a screen, it’s time to r…
Game of Thrones writers petition fans to write their own goddamn show, if they’re so smart
HOLLYWOOD – After a petition demanding that the writers of Game of Thrones rewrite the final season received over half a million signatures this week, David Benioff and D. B. Weiss fired back wit…
Distraught 20-something holds up LCBO until cashier asks to see their ID
HAMILTON – Patrons and employees of a Hamilton LCBO underwent a harrowing ordeal last night after a 20-something adult held up the cashier at knifepoint. According to eyewitnesses, the altercatio…
Canada’s Wonderland opens tallest, longest rollercoaster line on Earth
VAUGHAN, ON- Stretching as far as the eye can see, this season, Canada’s Wonderland has opened the world’s longest, tallest, biggest and steepest line to a rollercoaster than any other line…
Only person not laundering money in casino loses another hand of poker
VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate that the only guy in a casino not laundering money has lost yet another round of Texas Holdem. 36-year-old Jack Hugen’s initial strategy of playing fewer …
