Trudeau announces stars of Schitt’s Creek can now commit any crime without penalty
OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared that, due to their incredible international success, Daniel and Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara and Annie Murphy, are no longer bo…
Local woman dies from blood loss after flossing for first time in 4 years
CALGARY – Mabel Doyle, a 24 year old graphic designer bled out in her apartment last Wednesday after attempting to floss for the first time in four years. “I’m the one who found her”, said …
Canada blocks travel from the U.K about 500 years too late
OTTAWA – Canadian officials have announced a suspension of travel from the United Kingdom due to safety concerns of people living on this land, approximately 500 years too late. “With this …
Local Jewish family concerned whether Chinese restaurants will be open for Christmas
THORNHILL, ON – With Ontario set to enter another lockdown this week, a local Jewish family is concerned about the pandemic’s potential impact on one of Judaism’s most cherished Christmas customs…
Disinterested cat leaves gift card for dead mouse in owners shoes
VANCOUVER – In a stark display of feline frigidity, local cat owner Carly Munroe awoke Thursday morning to find a gift card for a dead mouse inside her slippers left by her cat, Mittens. Ea…
Ford calls for immediate action in 4 days
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford and his government is taking immediate action on a COVID-19 lockdown in the next 96-120 hours. “It was a difficult decision, but we’re swiftly acting wit…
Gingerbread-man trapped in gingerbread-house curses gingerbread-God
AURORA, ON – Early this morning, tiny whimpers were heard from a gingerbread-house as a gingerbread-man pleaded with his gingerbread-God to end his suffering. “Woe is me, that I labour each…
Conservatives discover police bad
CALGARY – In the wake of Calgary police arresting, manhandling and threatening to taser a man for violating COVID regulations while playing hockey, the right wing was shocked to discover th…
Nine perfect holiday gifts to show over video chat but never actually deliver
Whether it’s reduced income, unpredictable delivery times, or unexpected shipping expenses, the pandemic has been challenging for all of us looking for the perfect holiday gift or gifts! With man…
All-Canadian NHL Division contributes to national unity by causing fans to hate all the other Canadian teams
NEW YORK – Rejoicing at the NHL’s nation-building project, Canadian hockey fans are ready to absolutely hate every opposing Canadian team. The new North Conference places all of the country…
