Local highschooler thinks new wallet chain will prove he’s not fucking around this year
CALGARY, AB – Duncan Mckenzie believes the new chain connecting his quicksilver branded wallet to his pants is really going to turn some heads this year. “A lot of kids don’t seem to take m…
Egregious: Health Canada refuses to approve Dr. Cornelius Phineus Jedidiah’s Magic COVID Elixir
OTTAWA – Despite the continued threat of a pandemic, Health Canada continues to refuse Dr. Cornelius Phineas Jedidah’s Magic COVID Elixir as an approved drug. “Those bureaucrats don’t want …
Jason Kenney furious that throne speech didn’t contain a single poem praising the oil industry
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has released a scathing response to this year’s throne speech in which he excoriated the federal government for not presenting a single sonnet, ode o…
Local man camps out overnight to be first in line for COVID test
MONTREAL – Local man Desmond Burns spent last night camped out in front of his local hospital in order to ensure he got the first COVID test. “My parents always told me stories about …
Straw man is idiot
By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checkin…
Scientists confused, concerned after local man finishes spring mix salad pack before it gets gross
Thunder Bay, ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad packa…
Man with eyepatch tired of people assuming he’s interesting
BARRIE, ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch. “I honestly don’t know where people …
Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference. Ford’s two index finge…
Government promises to fulfill promises it promised five years ago
OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago. “We’re so sorry, …
Wall adjacent to Breonna Taylor’s apartment grateful for justice to have been served
LOUISVILLE, KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March, a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three c…
