VATICAN CITY – The Vatican has announced their official position that they cannot bless same-sex marriage due to the fact that trapping gay people within an outdated heteronormative institution is “against God’s will”.
“It is the position of the Catholic Church that marriage is a holy union that is far too restrictive for the boundless power that gays possess,” explained a representative for Pope Francis. “The Bible is very clear: marriage is meant for a man and a woman, whereas gays can negotiate an alternative framework of trust and commitment between the number of lovers that suits them best.”
The announcement has disappointed many within the Catholic LGBTQ community who feel oppressed by the rigorous scheduling and levels of communication required by non-monogamy.
“For years I tried to be a good Catholic by forming a strong polycule with a diverse network of like minded vers queers, but the fact is I was lying to myself,” stated Troy Copeland, head of the gay rights group Marriage Is Not Boring. “What I really needed was to settle down with my husband and our dogs. I wish that my church would recognize that having a non-stop suck and fuck fest isn’t the only way to be close to God.”
Pope Francis had previously revealed his support for gay civil unions, and so this update from the Vatican is meant to clarify that “what two consenting adults wish to do with their government is not our concern, but God cannot bless a union that throws away his greatest gift to gay people: the gift of being able to forge new modes of romantic and sexual interactions outside of traditional socially constructed frameworks, with the potential to be ethically slutty.”
A follow-up announcement from the Vatican is expected later this week regarding which queen God wants to win on Drag Race.