TORONTO – Caving to political pressure, Premier Doug Ford and his provincial government announced they will be launching paid sick days, but only for residents who live carefully selected postal...
Nation celebrates first ever successful use of KD push-in tab
STEINBACH, MB – Canadians across the country are in awe as Manitoban Amelia Kristensen shared an image of a perfectly opened Kraft Dinner package online with a cleanly punched in tab. Congratul...
Trudeau: Systemic racism is a huge problem, someone should really do something about that
OTTAWA – Responding to the news from the U.S. that police officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all charges for the murder of George Floyd, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau believes this event ...
Doug Ford relieved to have paid sick days after workplace COVID exposure
ETOBICOKE, ON – After coming into contact with a coworker who tested positive for COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford is reportedly “hugely relieved” to have paid sick days to isolate at home, as per On...
U.S criminal justice system to employ millions of protestors to function correctly
MINNEAPOLIS – After a 28-day trial charging cop Derek Chauvin with the death of George Floyd ending in a guilty verdict in second-degree murder, third-degree murder, and second-degree manslaught...
Premier Doug Ford relying on Magic 8 ball to devise entire Covid-19 response plan
TORONTO, ONTARIO – After an 8-month long external investigation of Premier Doug Ford’s Covid-19 response plan, it has been discovered that the trust-fund child, turned Premier has been relying on a Ma...
‘Over Asking’ portion of Sold Over Asking yard sign real fucking unnecessary
TORONTO – As housing prices continue to skyrocket, many are pointing out that Realtors’ habit of putting the ‘Over Asking’ next to their Sold sign is probably not needed at thi...
Rosedale resident given priority vaccine so they can summer in Muskoka
TORONTO – Local Rosedale resident Ainsley Williams, 33, recently received an urgent vaccination so that she can spend the summer up in Muskoka. “It’s been a tough year,” sighed Williams, from th...
“I’m just so proud to be Canadian,” says celebrity who lives in Bermuda for tax purposes
LOS ANGELES, CA – A prominent celebrity has told the Beaverton that they “couldn’t be prouder to be Canadian,” while requesting anonymity so as to avoid an investigation by the CRA. The celebrity R...
