Trump forces Eric and Don Jr to compete for last spot on pardon list

WASHINGTON D.C. – Donald Trump has been preparing a slew of preemptive pardons to ensure none of the criminal activity carried out during his presidency will result in jail time for his fav…

Hollywood begins search for the right cis actor to play Elliot Page in eventual biopic

HOLLYWOOD – After an announcement by Oscar-nominated Canadian actor Elliot Page that he is trans, major studio executives have begun the search for the perfect cis actor to step into the “E…

Prince William furious at the portrayal of his yummy little baby botty-bottom

With the release of the latest season of The Crown, The Duke of Cambridge, Prince William is reportedly furious at the portrayal of his cute as a button, royal little baby bottom.  Taking place i…

Pharmaceutical companies say Canada would get COVID vaccine faster if they didn’t need to print labels in French too

OTTAWA – As concerns mount that Canada may be “last in line” for access to the COVID-19 vaccines being developed, American pharmaceutical companies have reassured Canadians that…

Local murderers team up for podcast on white women

MILLHAVEN, ON – Earlier this month, local murderers George Robinson and Jeffrey Erb debuted their podcast My Favourite White Girl to immediate success. Calling in from Millhaven Correctiona…

Federal government to get a second job to cover deficit

OTTAWA – The federal Liberal government announced it will be getting a second job to cover the $381 billion deficit projected in yesterday’s fall economic update. Vowing that no Canadian wi…

Alberta’s tough new COVID measures force indoor coughing competitions to end by 10:00 pm

EDMONTON – In response to rising COVID-19 case numbers, Alberta Minister of Health Tyler Shandro announced stringent new regulations on the province’s popular coughing competitions. “Albertans as…

Liberal fiscal update confirms “Shit’s Fucked”

OTTAWA – Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland unveiled the Liberal fiscal update this afternoon and, as expected, things are fucked. Big time fucked. “9 months into this pandemic cases …

In return for $4 million from Alberta, NHL players staff busy ICUs

EDMONTON – The $4 million given to the NHL from the province of Alberta will be put to good use now that they’ve drafted NHL players as doctors, nurses, and other medical technicians. “We a…

Trump supporters upset President never shot man on Fifth Avenue like he promised he would

UNITED STATES – Diehard supporters of President Donald Trump are expressing their dismay at the realization that he may never shoot a man in cold blood on Fifth Avenue like he swore he would do. …