ETERNAL FLAMING REALM OF HELL – Having recently passed away from lung cancer, Rush Limbaugh, upon arriving in Satan’s land of eternal punishment, immediately lambasted the Prince of Darkness for his “liberal bias.”
“The fact that this spineless coward could even ascend to the searing throne of spite is an indictment of this leftist hellhole,” the formerly alive conservative talk show host shouted to a crowd of damned souls.
“I tell you folks, it’s like California down here. The liberal elite have their greasy, fat fingerprints all over this place. I’ve been here under an hour and they’ve got scientific studies and factual news reports playing on loop in my head while they break every bone in my body one by one! Thanks, Obama!”
The damned for eternity Limbaugh continued to proclaim his disdain for the afterlife he’s been assigned to by suggesting changes. “Build a wall between the land of eternal crucifiction and the dungeon of skinning and salting,” he demanded, “Good, God-fearing people don’t want to mix with criminals.”
“Violent criminals,” Limbaugh clarified, after remembering his own arrest for prescription drug fraud.
Limbaugh continued to lambast the Dark Lord’s practices and love of “the left,” stating that “if it wasn’t for Satan’s well documented love for feminazis, Satanists and that woman I called a whore just for wanting birth control, I would be sitting on a cloud in Heaven right now, eating Ambrosia and telling Florence Nightingale what a bitch Hillary Clinton is.”
Satan, King of the Damned and Lord of Darkness, took Limbaugh’s criticism in stride. “I refuse to listen to the comments of a man who read out the names of AIDS victims on-air, cheering their deaths. Seriously, even I have standards.”
“We’ll just throw him in with Reagan and Thatcher. They could always use more torment.”
By the time Limbaugh concluded his speech, Roger Ailes had offered him an afterlife-time contract from Fox News HQ, which has always been located in Limbaugh’s new home.