TORONTO – With the remaining Ontario schools finally open again, Premier Doug Ford is determined to ensure a safe return to the classroom – by setting up a snitch line for heathen parents who taught their kids sex ed during lockdown.
“In the era of COVID-19, the spread of false information is the real pandemic,” Ford said in a press release. “That’s why we must crack down on the spread of dangerous conspiracies like transgender rights, enthusiastic consent, and the female orgasm.”
Ford first introduced a snitch line for teachers offering sex ed in 2018, after repealing the progressive 2015 curriculum in favour of old Degrassi episodes and that one “Don’t You Put it in Your Mouth” commercial from the nineties. Since then, he has gone on to launch several other snitch lines, including one for reporting hospitals with enough PPE, one for tips on where he can get some Adamson Barbecue, and one for any time someone accidentally calls him Rob.
Concerned citizens who call the snitch line can report deviant parents if they catch children returning to school suddenly knowing things they shouldn’t know, like the proper names for parts of their own body. “Minister of Education Stephen Lecce will then take the important step of personally interrogating the suspected children, demanding to know where they learned where the clitoris was, and also if they could show him on a diagram”.
Parliamentary Assistant to the Minister of Education and alleged ninth grader Sam Oosterhoff was quick to defend the snitch line. “Parents shouldn’t take matters into their own hands, because using your hands is a sin,” explains Oosterhoff. “Our program is more than enough to meet parents’ needs. For example, there’s a wicked take-home art assignment where you can make your own purity ring. Oh, and there’s this neat little problem solver where, if you decode it correctly, the answer is a phone number for a back alley abortion!”
Those who call the snitch line will be immediately put on hold. In lieu of call waiting music, callers will be forced to listen to a list of Ford’s other planned school safety measures, including adding an obituary section to every school newspaper and replacing all school bells with a death knell.