By: Agent 361 Hi, I’m the agent who’s been assigned to monitor your every move since you received your covid-19 vaccine and, to be frank, I’m bored as shit. When your file first came across my desk, I...
Canadian government releases PSA reintroducing the concept of time
Ottawa, ON – Following over a year of pandemic induced lockdown, a government PSA seeks to help Canadians rethink their relations to the fourth dimension. “The first step is to remind ...
REPORT: Summer nights getting hotter in least horny way possible
WORLDWIDE – A recent report from Global Change Biology has confirmed that night-times are getting hotter on a global scale, but unfortunately not in a fun, sexy way. “We cannot stress enough tha...
CBC forced to exclusively cover Cameroon’s Olympians after selecting wrong country in licensing menu
TOKYO – CBC reporters are rushing to familiarise themselves with the Cameroonian Olympic team after the broadcaster accidentally acquired the country’s rights. “And there’s Hortence Atangana, the wome...
Facing lawsuit, Blizzard argues female employees should have just acquired Anti-Harassment DLC
LOS ANGELES — After a lawsuit was recently filed against video game giant Activision Blizzard Inc. claiming that its female employees routinely experience sexual harassment, retaliation, and une...
Tumultuous Green Party threatens to split into blue and yellow parties
OTTAWA — Weeks of infighting amongst the federal Green Party have settled into an uneasy peace after a proposed non-confidence vote over party leadership was called off Monday. But the damage may alre...
Liberal candidate dropped for boudoir photos as party only allows nudity on Zoom
DARTMOUTH – The Nova Scotia Liberals are defending their choice to drop candidate Robyn Ingraham over revealing photos, citing party rules that state that members can only have their nudes publi...
World leaders pause climate change talks out of respect for the burning Amazon
WORLDWIDE – World leaders are calling for a pause on climate change talks this week, out of respect for the Amazon rainforest which is now almost constantly on fire. “We were almost ready to dis...
Exhausted queer community asks why first out gay hockey player had to be a Predator
NASHVILLE, TN – In response to the groundbreaking announcement from Nashville Predators draft pick Luke Prokop stating that he is gay, celebrations within the spiritually-drained queer community...
Space asks humanity to stop sending it trash
THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet. “It was bad enough when ...
