LOS ANGELES — After a lawsuit was recently filed against video game giant Activision Blizzard Inc. claiming that its female employees routinely experience sexual harassment, retaliation, and unequal pay, top executives stated that the women working for them should have just bought Blizzard’s optional Anti-Harassment downloadable content.
A two-year investigation into Blizzard’s offices found that while the DLC was available for workplace use, it cost female employees $500 per month for it to remain activated and effective.
“Let us be clear,” stated a spokesperson for the company, displaying a copy of Blizzard’s newest DLC, ‘The Female Persecution Defence Expansion Set’, “this DLC is available to all lady employees, and contains content like fuzzy pink earmuffs to protect their delicate ears every time a male employee jokes about rape, and a golden key to a women’s-only washroom where they can go to cry about the wage gap whenever they want.”
“There’s even a special loot crate that, when opened, unlocks a secret HR department level run by a magical entity who cares more about our female employees’ well being than the company’s reputation! What more could those girls ask for?”
When asked about “cube crawls”, wherein male employees allegedly drink excessive amounts of alcohol and crawl through the office cubicles harassing female employees, Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick fought back.
“We are an egalitarian company, and the women of Blizzard can absolutely participate in the crawls as well,” he argued in a press release. “Just because company policy dictates that they do so wearing nothing but leather thongs and chainmail necklaces instead of jeans and button up shirts like the men doesn’t mean that the option isn’t available to them. If they choose not to follow those simple rules, that’s their choice.”
At press time, Blizzard had just announced a new “Pregnancy Patch”: a workplace policy upgrade that prevented pregnant employees from being fired if they agreed that GamerGate had all just been a giant feminazi conspiracy.