THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet.
“It was bad enough when you people kept sending animals, and then just leaving their dead bodies here,” said the cosmos. “How would you like it if someone just started hucking dying dogs and monkeys and frogs into your bedroom window? And don’t even get me started on that car you dumbasses launched into me few years ago, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
After decades of humanity sending people, animals and robots into space, the launch of two private rockets containing billionaires was the straw that finally broke space’s back and compelled it to contact humanity with its demand that Earth stop using it as a receptacle for so many kinds of garbage.
The cosmos is widely understood to be a neat freak that prefers to keep its vacuum pristine by organizing most of its matter into discrete units like stars and planets. It is not shy in its criticism of the human tendency to fill all available areas with overflowing amounts of trash.
“Just because you stuff your lands and oceans with rubbish doesn’t mean you can do the same to me. Look, send as many scientists as you want, I support you guys expanding your knowledge about me, I’m very interesting – but I draw the line at plutocrats. Who aren’t even from Pluto, which I can’t believe you people downgraded from a planet… but that’s a whole other thing. Just stop sending me your trash! I don’t want it, not in me for a minute, or a day, or frozen in Earth’s orbit forever,” the cosmos said.
“I don’t want your trash billionaires in their creepy penis-shaped rockets, or your dead dogs. STOP IT!”
Space has also demanded that humanity immediately collect the 96 bags of feces that it left on the moon or space will find its own far less pleasant way to return them.