LUNENBURG, NS – Despite tensions increasing across the globe as Russian president Vladimir Putin again promised swift retaliation and total nuclear annihilation should NATO forces intervene in U...
Ford calls 50 cent minimum wage hike “a little reward” for workers who survived covid
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced this week that the provincial minimum wage will be going up by $0.50 this fall, which he described as a “tasty little treat” for all those work...
Work from home commute delayed by three dog pileup
CALGARY – Traffic reports from the Morley household indicate that a massive three dog pileup is delaying multiple household commutes. “There’s fur everywhere, and you can still hear barking,” one repo...
Ford apologizes for majority of COVID tests going to private schools, says they should have gone to real estate developers instead
TORONTO – Following a Toronto Star investigation revealing that more COVID tests went to private schools than daycares, paramedics, jails, and homeless shelters combined, Premier Doug Ford has a...
Toronto is now North America’s Third-Largest Tech Douchebag Hub
TORONTO, ON – Citizens were overjoyed when earlier this week, the New York Times ranked Toronto as North America’s third-largest hub of tech douchebags, nouveau riche jerkoffs, and self-importan...
Toronto man who left the door unlocked finds apartment turned into a weed shop
TORONTO, ON- A Toronto resident returned home today to a sure sign that he forgot to lock his front door; a retail weed store run out of his apartment. “When I saw all the kids lined up in the hallway...
Well then what the fuck is this room for? This kitchen doesn’t have giant letters that say EAT above the cupboards
EDMONTON, AB – In a discovery that has rocked the Crestwood neighbourhood, local family, the Robinsons were discovered to not have giant particle board letters that read “EAT” above the counters...
Sperm banks unfreeze man’s assets
OTTAWA – In response to an ongoing criminal case, Canadian sperm banks have unfrozen accused criminal Charles Grieg’s significant portfolio of assets. Grieg, 47, is facing numerous fraud charges and ...
“100,000 cases a day totally worth this,” thinks man walking maskless into KFC
Oshawa, ON – Local man Dalton Framer took time to savour the fact that he was finally allowed to walk into a crowded KFC without a mask, regardless of the fact that Ontario is currently facing 1...
