OTTAWA – In response to an ongoing criminal case, Canadian sperm banks have unfrozen accused criminal Charles Grieg’s significant portfolio of assets.
Grieg, 47, is facing numerous fraud charges and has been deemed a flight risk. Sperm banks are therefore obligated to deny Grieg access to his assets by liquidating them.
“Mr. Grieg has hundreds of thousands of millilitres stored in our vaults,” said a CIBC (Canadian Imperial Bank of Cum) representative. “And until this case reaches its explosive climax he will no longer be able to sell, transfer, use, or do Lord knows what else with his ample deposits.”
Unfreezing such voluminous assets is a complicated job that requires a hands-on approach, but industry experts assured reporters that they were on top of Grieg.
“We are currently complying with all of the court’s requests,” a Bank of Moantreal employee holding a large box of Kleenex told the press. “Rest assured that we will mop up this mess.”
Securities analysts are concerned that Grieg could unload his loads at an offshore sperm haven or numbered wank account at a Swiss bank like Credit Sperma, but are confident that his relationship with Canadian sperm banks has gone down the drain.
“Frankly, the sperm finance industry is full of holes,” one analyst said. “But in Canada we have protection.”
If Grieg is found guilty, his assets will be moved to a victim restitution fund. A lawyer for one of his alleged victims said “Mr. Grieg has shafted my client, but we’re confident we’ll have a happy ending.”
Forensic accountants, worried that Grieg is hiding additional assets, are carefully searching his wastepaper baskets and crumpled up socks.