Canadian Army considers removing sexual misconduct as a prerequisite for leadership
KINGSTON – While controversy builds in the halls of the Canadian military as candidate after candidate for advancement comes under investigation, Army bosses are considering dropping the se…
As vaccines for kids ages 5-11 develop further, you might have to see your douchebag nephew Kyle as soon as this year
OTTAWA – Pfizer and BioNTech have released preliminary data to Health Canada stating that a vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years could be available sooner than originally thought. Side e…
Leafs begin home opener with annual apology for last season
TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that wa…
Shatner manages to have 3 torrid love affairs during 10 minute space flight
VAN HORN, TX – Despite being in space for a mere ten minutes, the man who played Captain Kirk in the 1960s version of Star Trek managed to seduce a sexy Klingon, a USS Enterprise psychologi…
Doug Ford announces all policies will now be based on 2008 Jim Carrey film ‘Yes Man’
TORONTO – After declaring himself the Premier who says Yes, Doug Ford has revealed that he made the decision after re-watching the moderate Jim Carrey hit ‘Yes Man.’ “Folk…
Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad
Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospita…
Adverse reaction experienced by ‘friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’ sole source of vaccine hesitancy
OTTAWA – Following a recent census, Health Canada has determined the sole source of vaccine hesitancy comes from an adverse reaction experienced by ‘friend’s, cousin’s, boyfriend’ or some s…
Anti-vax family thankful they’ll have more leftovers this year
VANCOUVER – This Thanksgiving anti-vaxx family, the Millers, announced that they’ll be giving thanks for all the extra leftovers after several family members passed away from Covid-19 this …
Wow! That guy who used to play the choking game when no one else wanted to is selling an air conditioner on Facebook
GUELPH, ON – Hey, remember Alex, that guy who always used to play the choking game (aka cutting off oxygen to the brain with the goal of inducing loss of consciousness/euphoria) when everyo…
