QUEEN’S PARK – As Ontario becomes the last province to sign a deal on the Federal Government’s $10-per-day child-care plan, Premier Doug Ford took credit for achieving his sole negotiating objective: ensuring that no disadvantaged person received any help whatsoever for at least a full calendar year.
“Folks, this is an absolute victory against Ontarians who needed affordable child-care last year,” explained Ford as he signed the deal. “The benefits of denying reasonably-priced daycare for 12 months are obvious: more time for me to snowmobile at the cottage; more money for my government to throw onto the big pile; and keeping parents so stressed they don’t notice we’ve entirely given up on COVID.”
“Besides, obviously we didn’t need it this past year because everyone wealthy enough to donate to my re-election campaign was working from home,” Ford added. “As well, the delay ensured that parents would be so broken from desperately trying to find adequate child-care in a global pandemic, that any small crumb of help I provided would force them to see me as a saviour worthy of re-election. It’s like bad cop, good cop – but all me!”
Observers note that Ontario waited months longer than any other province to sign onto the deal, despite not achieving any significant concessions other than pushing the start date back an entire year. However, the premier insists this was his intention all along.
“As you all know, my original plan was to hold out on $10-per-day child care indefinitely, due to my deeply held belief that poor people shouldn’t have things.”
“There were times I wasn’t sure I could hold out for an entire year, but as you all know my greatest strength is pointless, petty obstruction,” Ford adeed, growing teary eyed. “But there’s an election this year, and I was forced to make the difficult decision to actually use the government to help non-property-developing Ontarians.”
The Ford Government has assured Ontarians that, while they will receive $10-per-day child care, it will be as inconvenient and bureaucratically soul-crushing to access as possible.
“It is the policy of the Ontario Conservative Government to ensure that any social assistance applicant first be demeaned by being forced to jump through several hoops,” explained Minister of Children, Community and Social Services Merrilee Fullerton. “These hoops are very high off the ground, and some of them are even going to be lit on fire.”
Across the province, many Ontarians reacted to the $10 child care news. “Affordable daycare will really help me out after I’m done paying $45 for a carton of milk, $200 to fill up my car, and $5000 a month in rent on my basement apartment,” explained Keisha Sparks of Whitby.
“I really could’ve used that $10-per-day child care last year, before I ended up sending my 4-year-old Timmy out to get a job as a shoe shine boy,” remarked Todd Merton, of Sudbury.
At press time Doug Ford is reportedly sending the wrong directions to Prime Minister Trudeau in order to keep him away from the child care announcement.