Andrea Horwath confident she’ll get hang of party leader thing 2-3 elections from now
HAMILTON, ON – With polling projecting the NDP to once again not form a government in the 2022 Ontario Election, 4-time leader Andrea Horwath predicts that she will “definitely work out the…
Witnesses confirm sighting of mythical Steven Del Duca
ALGONQUIN PARK – Two hikers who had become lost while trekking back to their campsite in Algonquin Park this Saturday were astonished to observe what is now the first confirmed sighting of the el…
Teacher either using Socratic method or just winging it
EDMONTON – According to sources in Mr. Lawrence’s Grade 11 English class, no one is sure if their teacher is leading them through an ingenious Socratic dialogue or just talking out of his ass. “…
Ontario PCs relieved they have enough votes to win even without all the old people they let die
TORONTO – In the wake of over 4,500 long term care deaths during Ontario’s COVID-19 crisis the provincial Conservative Government is thankful that, despite losing thousands of older PC-lean…
American celebrities praising Canada’s gun control laws enough to power nation’s smugness generators for rest of year
OTTAWA – As American celebrities and liberal politicos continue to praise Canada’s approach to gun control, the country’s smugness monitors are reporting near record highs. R…
Diversity is Ontario’s greatest strength say 4 white people running for Premier
TORONTO – In the recent Ontario Leaders Debate there seemed to be little the hopefuls for premier agreed upon, but one thing on which all four caucasian candidates did concur was that Ontar…
Mona Lisa responds to climate protest with weird little smile, like this is some fucking game
PARIS – Visitors to the Louvre today reacted with shock as a one-man climate protest took the form of a cake being thrown at star attraction Mona Lisa, whose own reaction to the ballistic b…
Local man totally forgets about Ontario election
TORONTO – Despite election day being only a few days away, local man Steven Del Duca says he hasn’t really given it much thought. “Oh right there’s an election happening s…
New Jurassic Park movie will finally show the dinosaurs having sex
Isla Nublar – After two novels and five movies in the series, Universal Pictures has announced that the upcoming film, Jurassic World Dominion will finally show what audiences have been wai…
