5 essential pieces for your nuclear winter wardrobe - The Beaverton
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5 essential pieces for your nuclear winter wardrobe

It’s never been a better time to pick up some sturdy essentials that will keep you cute and cozy through a period of severe and prolonged global cooling brought on by a nuclear catastrophe!

1. A nice parka
Sure, a shiny new hazmat suit might be helpful if you’re close to the blast radius, but putting all your energy into surviving the first few days is a little short-sighted. Focus on getting yourself a sturdy parka, ideally one that goes well with the barren landscape of a once great metropolis so you camouflage in while you and your pals hit the (former) town for some marauding!

2. Sturdy boots
Sure, it’s easy to focus on functionality here, but don’t be afraid to get a little adventurous with your footwear! After all, you want your shoes to make the statement “I will smash your face with my boot-heel if you get anywhere near my cohort’s iodine supply.” Don’t be afraid to touch it up with some faux-blood detailing. (The roving iodine gang will never know it’s not the real thing!)

3. A gas mask
Ok, we know what you’re going to ask—how is a device that filtsers toxins out of the air going to protect me from freezing temperatures? The answer: It won’t. But it will scare the bejeezus out of those iodine gangs, which is as big if not a greater concern. So have at it!

4. The skulls of your enemies
Don’t be afraid to put a modern twist on this classic – get creative with glitter and fabric paint for a more festive look. And bonus, you’re allowed to take the skulls of the enemies of your enemy as long as you take his skull. (Tip: for a perfectly understated look, before you leave, look in the mirror and take off one skull.)

5. A positive attitude
This is the hardest one of all to come by, but like a vintage Hermes scarf or an undamaged lead smock, if you can find it, hang onto it forever because you never know when it will come in handy. Remember, no matter how great your outfit is, no look is complete without confidence, especially if you’re trying to charm your way into an iodine gang.