TORONTO – After a disastrous showing in the last provincial election, political analysts are eager to see which out of a growing shortlist of boiled hams the Ontario Liberal Party will choose as their next leader.
“We’re assembling a diverse group of candidates Ontarians will be excited about,” said a Ontario Liberal Party Spokesperson, referring to an array of indistinct fleshy lumps perspiring droplets of salty water under the hot press conference lights.
The array of gelatinous meat blobs are already causing quite the stir inside the party. While some commentators expect the party to select a sweeter, more honey-glazed style boiled ham as leader, others speculate that the party may play it safe with a more classic plain salt and pepper boiled ham.
Regardless of which beige flesh repository wins out, OLP leadership remains adamant that the most important goal is to pick a vessel for bland mammal meat that can win a general election.
“The Ontario Liberal Party knows how to pick a winner,” says Ontario Liberal Party President Brian Johns, referring to the same party who thought a boiled egg man with the voice of a turtle would sweep the electorate off their feet.
While political observers differ on which of the off-colour lumps of coagulated meat are most likely to take over, all agree they will have their work cut out for them.
“The Ontario Liberal Party is really assembling a buffet of options,” says Toronto Star Columnist Catherine Bailey, referring to the group of leadership hopefuls all of whom bear a striking resemblance to the type of meat you’d see in a warming tray at a thanksgiving breakfast buffet at a 2-star motel, and boast a similarly sky-high salt content.
“No matter who they choose, they need to not only convince the electorate that they’re qualified, but also prove that unlike an unseasoned boiled chicken like Steven Del Duca, they are an actual real human being who exists, and bearing any resemblance to a form of bland grocery store meat only liked by white people does very little to help with that.”
At press time, one straw poll conducted by Ipsos showed that only 1 of 4 Ontarians were able to correctly distinguish an Ontario Liberal Party leadership candidate from a real boiled ham, and of the participants who could tell the difference, 9/10 said they’d rather vote for the ham.