PALM BEACH, FL – In a late-breaking address live from his Mar-A-Lago beach resort, former President Donald Trump has announced that he is willing to say or do absolutely anything whatsoever provided it gets him onto television once more, just for a minute.
“I, President Donald J Trump, am formally announcing that I will do absolutely anything to satiate my desperate, some might even say pathological, need to be talked about in the national news media,” said the former president, flanked by his adult children Ivanka, Donald Jr, Eric, and possibly Tiffany.
Though the 2024 presidential election is over 23 months away, with no candidates yet formally announced to run, Trump did not hold back from indicating how far he is willing to go for even a moment of airtime.
“You think I’m kidding, but I am dead fucking serious,” added the former US head of state. “Tonight I am formally announcing that I will do absolutely any insane thing you want, as long as there’s a CNN camera present. I’ll say that all Chinese people are pedophiles. I’ll swear on a bible that Tom Hanks once offered me $1 million to have sex with him. I’ll announce that I am running to be Prime Minister of Canada, and that the election is already rigged against me.”
“Just one more sweet sweet minute of prime time TV coverage, that’s all I ask,” Trump growled from behind his podium. “It won’t actually make me feel happy, but I would shoot every single person in this ballroom in the face to get it.”
Watching from beside the omelet station, one Trump aide was quick to bolster his employer’s vow.
“He’s telling the truth, in as much as he’s capable of doing that,” noted the aide. “Yesterday demanded we start exploratory committees for if voters want to see him fight a bear, or add the bear as his running mate. He’ll do it.”
As Trump descended a golden escalator hastily-built just for this announcement, he insisted that his TV-centric announcement was actually largely divorced from any political ambitions.
“Yes, this kind of unstoppable desperation to get 24 hour news coverage did lead me to get elected president in 2016, as well as 2020,” Trump mused, “but that was actually a by-product of me just trying to get on TV, and to a lesser extent the internet. If that’s the only way for me to satisfy this bottomless hole inside of me now, then I humbly accept the honor of running for President of the United States again I guess.”
Asked by reporters if he is similarly willing to do anything to get his Twitter account reinstated, Trump answered, “What, you mean like suck up to Musk? That guy’s a geek!”