Citizens who needed instruction on how to wear a mask trusted to do own COVID tests
OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be…
Strung out province comes crawling back to Dealer for another hit
TORONTO – After swearing they were done with him and everything he offers, the province of Ontario has come crawling back to its dealer for another taste. “Hey man! You holding any hi…
Ontario NDP, Liberals celebrate defeating each other
TORONTO – Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath and Liberal Leader Steven Del Duca celebrated the defeat of each others parties in the 2022 Ontario election. As results were reported last night…
Coffee shop employee ominously begins setting up microphone
LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand. “I figured she wa…
“I’m really nervous about the November midterms” says Ontarian unaware of today’s election
BURLINGTON, ON – Local data engineer Chris Chen has spent weeks insisting to friends how worried he is about the upcoming US midterm elections, all without ever acknowledging the Ontario pr…
Jury rules wife beater is bigger celebrity than beaten wife
FAIRFAX, VA – At the Fairfax County Circuit Courthouse a jury has reached a verdict: that known wife beater Johnny Depp is indeed more famous than Amber Heard, his beaten ex-wife. “This ver…
I can’t fucking believe I’m about to win again either
By: Doug Ford Look, there is no one more surprised than me that Ontario has apparently liked what I’ve done over the last 4 years. I never thought I was going to win in the first place. One…
New Star Wars series to explore backstory of the Mos Eisley cantina band
LOS ANGELES — An iconic part of Star Wars lore is finally getting its day in the sweltering sun. The Mos Eisley cantina band, comprising seven Bith who love jizz, is getting its own Disney+ serie…
Andrea Horwath confident she’ll get hang of party leader thing 2-3 elections from now
HAMILTON, ON – With polling projecting the NDP to once again not form a government in the 2022 Ontario Election, 4-time leader Andrea Horwath predicts that she will “definitely work out the…
Witnesses confirm sighting of mythical Steven Del Duca
ALGONQUIN PARK – Two hikers who had become lost while trekking back to their campsite in Algonquin Park this Saturday were astonished to observe what is now the first confirmed sighting of the el…
