GENEVA – A consortium of environmental scientists released a declaration that humanity’s accelerating march toward climate catastrophe had previously been avoidable before you left the lights on in the bathroom last night.
The devastating news was announced today during a press conference of the world’s top climatologists.
“Obviously this is terribly disappointing,” announced Michele Levesque of the UN Climate Action Group. “We were hoping for massive systemic changes taken on by the fossil fuel and shipping industries, backed by multilateral cooperation from the world’s governments to help hit a warming target of 1 to 2 degrees celsius. But those efforts, which all parties have shown little to no interest in committing to, would be completely in vain now that you’ve left the lights on for 12 hours.”
“It’s a huge shame,” said the CEO of Exxon, by far the largest single contributor to emissions on the planet. “We were almost ready to consider changing our entire business model, even though you fell asleep watching Netflix last week and the TV played to no one for two hours. But now? After leaving the light on? What’s the point?”
As the world slides further into ecological armageddon there is some grim comfort in having a focal point for blame. While the oceans rise to consume coastal cities and the entire nation of Maldives, while the people of Jacobabad, Pakistan deal with temperatures too high for human survival, while desertification and drought threaten billions of lives, all those affected can rally around the fact this could have been avoided if you had flipped a light switch instead of looking at your phone.
At press time several G7 governments had decided to abandon their token green energy policies and throw all their wind turbines into coal incinerators after learning you also left the fridge open for several minutes on Saturday. Good job.