Leamington, ON – Your mother has been sitting silently on her porch running her fingers through the fabric of an old summer dress and listening to “Gord’s Gold” on repeat all week and, oh God, oh no, ...
“If I’m guilty then how do you explain the hundreds of sexual assaults I got away with” asks Trump
MANHATTAN, NY – Following a jury’s verdict that he had sexually abused magazine writer E. Jean Carroll in the 1990s and then defamed her, former US president Donald Trump has insisted on his inn...
Gun violence grinds to a halt after God finds prayers in spam folder
HEAVEN – On a short Zoom call with stakeholders, today, God informed those present that the most recent mass shooting in the United States was the result of a too-broad junk filter in Heaven’s p...
Canada to discourage use of physical money by putting images of Charles on it
OTTAWA – The Government of Canada confirmed this week that images of Charles Mountbatten-Windsor, an unpopular foreign billionaire, will soon be placed on Canada’s coinage and $20 bills in the h...
Leafs pleased they could find a more creative way to devastate fans than just losing in first round again
Whatever city the Panthers play in, FL – Staring down a potential sweep to the Florida Panthers after turning in a truly horrendous effort in Game 3, The Toronto Maple Leafs say they are pleased...
Report: Mom not too keen on Charles
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – After many months of public uncertainty, sources have confirmed that Mom really could do with a lot less of Charles today, you know? “It’s been long-established that Mom rea...
United Kingdom considered powerful nation despite needing 3 days to put hat on old man
LONDON – With King Charles Coronation taking up nearly the entire weekend, many are asking, “if the UK is considered a powerful country, why do they need three whole days to put this hat on an o...
Leafs to continue celebrating Round 1 victory right up to moment they’re swept out of Round 2
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs continue to bask in the glow of their Game 6 victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning, finally ending the 19 year curse of being unable to get out of the first roun...
Vegas Golden Knights defeat Edmonton Draisaitls 6-4
LAS VEGAS – The Golden Knights opened up a 1-0 series lead in the Western Conference Semifinals last night, defeating the Edmonton Leon Draisaitls 6-4. “Glad we won but it was a tough batt...
Government recommends Canadian families save costs this winter by releasing least favourite child into the wilderness
OTTAWA – With the costs of food, fuel, and electricity expected to continue rising, the federal government has recommended that struggling Canadian families fight inflation this winter by simply...
