EDMONTON – Thirty years into a Stanley Cup drought that has seen countless near-misses and heartbreaks, Canadian hockey fans have announced plans to wait until the last possible moment to be conf…
Ontario Science Centre closes after roof in danger of collapsing under weight of Doug Ford’s bullshit
TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be clos…
Wild Gen Z prom party wraps up at 9:15 pm
Bridgewater, NS – Through the haze of foggy memories and poor decisions, local high schoolers stumbled home after another post-prom rager, with only the faintest bit of leftover twilight to guide…
Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
Toronto – In a democratic exercise set to take place later this month, voters in Toronto-St Pauls, centered around one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods in Forest Hill, will elect a new MP to…
Hardworking Leafs tie up series, maximize how sad fans will be when they still lose
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have tied their playoff series against the rival Boston Bruins at 3-3, working hard to engineer a uniquely perfect opportunity to break their fans’ collect…
Why is Gordan Ramsay weeping? He just learned about Jiggs’ Dinner
St. John’s, NFLD– It’s a beautiful day full of sunshine and laughter and–Oh no! What’s that? It’s celebrity chef and TV personality Gordan Ramsay, and he’s crying into a dinner napkin because som…
Woman and Dog from “Alberta is Calling” ad airlifted from frozen cliff
WATERTON, AB – Hours after trekking up popular hiking location “Bear’s Hump” to film an advertisement for the “Alberta is Calling” relocation campaign, 28-year-old former Ontario resident Natalie…
Tesla clarifies not all of its cars have been recalled: “You can keep the exploded ones”
AUSTIN, TX –In an auto recall of unprecedented scale, the electric car maker Tesla is set to offer free updates for 2,000,000 cars in the US and Canada but insists this doesn’t mean that they’re …
Christian enjoys yet another day of not feeling unsafe because other Christians did crimes
Fredericton- Local Christian school administrator Fred McFinnigan woke up this morning, ate a hearty breakfast, and for the 15,344th consecutive day was not made to account for any criminal acts …
Tell us your fall Starbucks order, and we’ll tell you what kind of climate survivalist you’ll be
Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered. On…