MUNICH – French soccer champions Paris Saint-Germain were told by UEFA that, having accidentally eliminated all other clubs by a bookkeeping error in their complicated new tournament system…
Boeing signs fighter contract, will rework planes to cause death and destruction “on purpose”
Crystal City, Virginia – Seeing an opportunity to capitalize on his company’s reputation as a bringer of chaos and death, Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg has announced the signing of an agre…
Ontario Election: Plurality of a Minority gives Ford a Majority
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford won a commanding majority government this week when his Progressive Conservative party got almost half of the votes cast by the almost half of the ele…
Torontonians offer to let Doug Ford wear “Mayor” sash if he just leaves them alone
TORONTO – With Queen’s Park ordering the removal of the city’s bike lane infrastructure, an exasperated Toronto has offered to start calling Ontario Premier Doug Ford “Mayor”, thus satiating his …
Trudeau to cut immigration so he has less competition for his job search next year
OTTAWA – Canada’s Liberal government has lowered immigration targets in the hopes Justin Trudeau sees less competition in the private sector job market when he starts sending around resumes…
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next t…
Canadian hockey fans waiting until last five seconds of Game 7 before getting hopes up this time
EDMONTON – Thirty years into a Stanley Cup drought that has seen countless near-misses and heartbreaks, Canadian hockey fans have announced plans to wait until the last possible moment to be conf…
Ontario Science Centre closes after roof in danger of collapsing under weight of Doug Ford’s bullshit
TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be clos…
Wild Gen Z prom party wraps up at 9:15 pm
Bridgewater, NS – Through the haze of foggy memories and poor decisions, local high schoolers stumbled home after another post-prom rager, with only the faintest bit of leftover twilight to guide…
Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
Toronto – In a democratic exercise set to take place later this month, voters in Toronto-St Pauls, centered around one of Canada’s wealthiest neighbourhoods in Forest Hill, will elect a new MP to…
