LONDON – With King Charles Coronation taking up nearly the entire weekend, many are asking, “if the UK is considered a powerful country, why do they need three whole days to put this hat on an old man?”
Many are questioning the necessity, as well as use of time and resources from a nation that is technically considered powerful. Monty Reyes, a journalist from Ottawa stated, “Shouldn’t they realise by now that they spend so much money on these people that technically do nothing? What even is Great Britain at this point? How did a country that thinks salt is spicy, at one time colonise like 100 countries?”
“Well, it’s a man head, which we haven’t had to put a hat on in 70 years,” said George Blatherly, a representative of Buckingham Palace as he dipped what he called a “saucy banger” in his cup of English Breakfast tea. “Men tend to have more hangy bits on their anatomy, so a crown might not slip on as nice as it did for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. Plus she had the perfect head of hair. I saw a long-tailed tit make nest in there one spring.”
News of the lengthy coronation, of course, comes long after the funeral for Queen Elizabeth in which the United Kingdom, which was ranked second in best education systems globally by Best Countries Report, needed four and a half days to bury a small woman in a hole.
“It’s just not as easy as you may think,” continued Blatherly. “Charles, the slippery bastard, rarely sits still. He’s either running around, chasing his favourite horses, or fainting for no reason due to all the weird blood diseases royals have from inbreeding. So, we’re giving ourselves three days to try to get the crown on the head, and honestly, I don’t even think that’s enough.”
Reyes replied to this with, “How did these people win 2 world wars?”
The drawn-out ceremony also came to be after officials remembered they’ve also got to adorn Camilla with a crown. An insider reported, “We’d made one for Diana years ago. She was just so much fun to dress. And then when Camilla came into the picture, we, uh, kinda just got really busy and, uh, never got around to it, I guess.”
“Do people think 3 days is long for a coronation?” Blatherly continued. “Hogwash! A third world country would need at least six. It’s not easy. What if we accidentally put it on a different chinless, ageing white man? Charles couldn’t outlive another monarch! He doesn’t have it in him!”
At press time, Buckingham Palace also announced that Monday, May 8th will be a bank holiday, because no one should have to work and watch an old man get a hat put on his head. That’s just too many tasks.