MANHATTAN, NY – Following a jury’s verdict that he had sexually abused magazine writer E. Jean Carroll in the 1990s and then defamed her, former US president Donald Trump has insisted on his innocence by pointing to the countless other times he was not punished for forcing himself sexually upon women.
“It makes absolutely no sense,” bellowed Trump to a crowd of supporters at his Mar-A-Lago country club. “I do this to women all the time, have for decades, and all of a sudden now you’re gonna tell me that it’s something I’m legally liable for?”
The former president continued, “I mean, I’ve never once been charged or had to pay a dime, and that’s with dozens of women who’ve credibly accused me of sexual assault,” Trump added, perplexed. “And that’s just the ones who’ve publicly come forward, cuz trust me, there’s hundred more out there who’ve never said a thing. So what gives on this one case?”
“Besides, this Carroll thing was all the way back in the 90s, so that means all the other sexual assaults I’ve done since then are totally fair game, right?”
With the jury’s verdict awarding Carroll $5 million in damages, Trump is not alone in expressing incredulity that his long and well-documented history of inappropriate groping, touching, and harassment has resulted in literally any consequences.
“How is it possible that Trump was only held accountable for this one sex crime, and not all the others,” asked House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. “It’s not as if there’s been a culturally-pervasive norm for millennia that allows powerful men to abuse women with impunity and never once risk facing justice.”
“This must be AOC’s doing,” concluded McCarthy
In New Hampshire, GOP primary voter William H. Kendall also wrestled with the news. “Why is this suddenly a problem now? We all already know Trump is a terrifying bloated lecher who has violated numerous women in the past, since that was part of his 2016 platform.”
“This really makes you think,” asked conservative pundit Tucker Carlson from his in-home studio, speaking to a camera that was not plugged in. “Trump was found liable in this case, but never even saw the inside of a courtroom in all of those other cases. I know a lot of Americans are asking, ‘does E. Jean Carroll even really exist?’”
Back in Mar-A-Lago, Trump continued to puzzle over his first ever sexual assault verdict as he shuffled aimlessly through a wedding reception.
“Look, I said it on tape that one time, ‘when you’re a star they let you do it’, and by ‘it’ I obviously meant taking sexual advantage of helpless women while facing no repercussions, and obviously that was a perfect comment, and a beautiful comment, and it’s not like I ever said it on tape, and you can’t prove I did and it’s obviously just a lie by the gotcha Trump hating media,” mumbled the former head of state as he pawed through the gift table.
At press time Trump has launched a GoFundMe for 5 million dollars.