SHERWOOD PARK – In an attempt to quell the deadly fourth wave of COVID-19 still sweeping through the province of Alberta, the Red Cross has announced that it will be stepping in to offer em…
Tim Hortons confirms that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine
LEDUC – As part of ongoing pandemic response measures, national coffee chain Tim Hortons has confirmed that employees will not be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine until they’ve ha…
Tim Hortons insists Canada is just one more flavoured Iced Capp away from having a unique cultural identity
TORONTO – The national coffee chain Tim Hortons ended decades of academic and political turmoil this past weekend when it declared that Canada is just one or two more flavoured Iced Capps a…
Scotiabank purchases naming rights on all future Canadian variants of coronavirus
TORONTO – In light of news that the World Health Organization would be renaming key variants of COVID-19, Scotiabank has announced plans to bid on the naming rights of all future coronaviru…
Woman relaxes after stressful job with hobby that she will eventually turn into another stressful job
EDMONTON – After returning home from a 10-hour day at her stressful, thankless job, local woman Jennifer Bodaruk reports that she is looking forward to unwinding with a relaxing hobby that …
Conservative Party accuses opposition of secretly founding Conservative Party to make Conservative Party look bad
OTTAWA – In a shocking move, Conservative leaders have accused opposition parties of secretly founding the Conservative Party, as part of an elaborate, decades-long scheme to make the Conse…
Woman two minutes into her first maskless outing already told to smile
KINGSTON – Less than one hundred and twenty seconds after venturing out into public without a mask for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic started, 28-year-old Maddie Herbert has alr…
Disney announces new Pocahontas movie exploring tragic, sympathetic backstory of white Christian imperialism
LOS ANGELES – Following the success of their hit movies MALEFICENT and CRUELLA, Disney have announced that it plans to continue the trend of movies that humanize and sympathize with famous …
Trudeau pledges to begin all land acknowledgements with another, less sincere land acknowledgement
OTTAWA – In light of renewed attention to the horrors of residential schools, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced that he will be taking immediate action on reconciliation by beginn…
Nova Scotia announces new measures to contain the spread of New Brunswickers
HALIFAX – In a surprise move, the province of Nova Scotia has announced additional restrictions at its border, aimed at containing the spread of New Brunswickers. “We know that these new re…
