OTTAWA – As new cases of COVID-19 continue to skyrocket across the country, Canada’s top public health officials have banded together in desperation to declare that the outdoors is, in fac…
Governor brags that death tolls are bigger in Texas
AUSTIN – Texas Governor Greg Abbott brought an end to state-wide mask mandates and gathering restrictions late Tuesday evening, boasting that – like everything else – state coro…
Federal government unveils new guidelines to help stranded snowbirds go fuck themselves
OTTAWA – With an increasing number of Canadians encountering medical debts or immigration difficulties after spending the winter in the United States, the Canadian federal government has un…
Man storming Canadian capital in buffalo horns turns out to be actual buffalo
OTTAWA – The RCMP are reassuring Canadians that a man in buffalo horns seen storming the Canadian capital earlier this month was not in fact a right-wing insurrectionist, but an actual buff…
Hallmark announces holiday movie about woman who realizes her hometown is an irredeemably racist shithole
LOS ANGELES – The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be expanding its catalogue of original holiday content with a new Valentine’s day movie about a career woman who returns home f…
Alberta comforts grieving families by reminding them that COVID victims will someday turn into oil
EDMONTON, AB – As Alberta surpasses 1400 deaths from coronavirus, the Alberta Conservative government is consoling family and friends by reminding them that, under the right conditions, the…
Boris Johnson announces that UK residents will only be allowed to leave their homes to colonize a sovereign nation
LONDON, UK – Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that, as a measure to combat the new strain of COVID-19, residents of the United Kingdom will only be permitted to leave their homes …
“I refuse to live in fear of COVID,” says woman who lives in fear of socialism
St. Catharines, ON – Amid the second wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, 49-year-old Ontario resident Shirley Mills has informed family and friends that she refuses to live in fear of the virus,…
Erin O’Toole claims residential schools were just “Hogwarts for Indigenous kids”
OTTAWA – During a Zoom call with students from Ryerson University, Conservative Party of Canada leader Erin O’Toole informed young conservatives that they should stop thinking of Canada’s r…