STOCKHOLM – Fans of the Swedish death metal band Malfunctioning Whirlpool were shocked to discover that the hit musical group is actually nothing more than recordings of an old dishwasher running a bucket of nails through a wash cycle.
“I just can’t believe it, man,” said 33-year-old Jordan Cartwright, part-time microbiology lecturer and full-time Japanese sword collector. “Their lyrics have gotten me through some dark times. When they sing that one chorus that goes arrrRRRRghaakklkLLIIIIII rraa9o0qqq p;jhvRRRR ngaAAAArr5, that just really speaks to me. I always assumed I was hearing the sound of a kindred soul crying out against the indifference of a heartless universe, and not the sound of old carpet nails getting swished around in a dishwasher cutlery rack.”
“I even saw them in concert last year, and I didn’t suspect a thing,” continued Cartwright. “I mean, yeah, the whole performance was just this blocky growling thing standing motionlessly on the stage, but that’s just kind of what death metal is, you know?”
When informed of the news, fellow Swedish death metal musicians and frequent collaborators Dismembered Bosch commented only “GRRAAAghaasfj RaaAAAAgghhhs FRraafaokl klklmsf kjlkj kjllkj LLLKUUuuuft,” fuelling long-standing rumors that they are actually the sound of a dryer with a broken gyroscope trying to tumble-dry a bag of old pool balls.
At the time of publication, Malfunctioning Whirlpool had not responded to a request for comment, as they are, again, a yard-sale dishwasher that somebody has filled with a mix of old deck nails and stripped Phillips head screws.