Local bachelor probably going to get curtains, eventually
TORONTO – Local bachelor Robbie Labeouf announced earlier this week his intention to probably purchase curtains, eventually, for his apartment of three years. “It just seems like a thing I …
Local friend busier than everyone else
TORONTO – Despite wanting to attend the engagement party of best friend Sophie Lahiri, local woman Tiffany Dale is busier than anyone else she knows and is completely unable to make the tim…
Persistent heat wave leads to construction of first ever trans-Canada Slip n’ Slide
OTTAWA – The Canadian government has responded to dangerously high temperatures with the building of a massive $3 billion Slip n’ Slide that will stretch across the nation. “It …
Parliament approves first safe objection site for MPs disagreeing with party lines
OTTAWA – A controversial new facility has opened its doors for MPs to openly reject partisan discipline and express themselves freely without fear of repercussions. Party-Site will be a safe zone…
Ex Montreal Mayor Applebaum to invest 267 k severance in SNC Lavalin
MONTREAL – Former Montreal mayor Michael Applebaum said he will use his generous severance pay from the City of Montreal to invest in a local engineering and construction firm. “I’m happy to inve…
Breaking: City of Detroit wasn’t already bankrupt
DETROIT – Detroit, capital of the automotive industry, became the largest city in the history of the United States to declare bankruptcy on Thursday, shocking those who assumed the city had…
Study: ‘Bieber Fever’ actually audible syphilis
WINNIPEG – After a three year study by the Public Health Agency of Canada, ‘Bieber Fever’ has been revealed as an audible STI. Dr. Richard Moffat of the National Microbiology Lab in Winnipe…
Elevator mechanics strike causes city wide outbreak of sitcom premise
VANCOUVER – The recently resolved strike of all elevator mechanics and repairmen caused a rash of tired sitcom tropes and recycled plot lines to break out across the city. “I was stuck in a…
Fired Sun reporter to try his hand at journalism
After being let go from the Toronto Sun, a former news reporter will now try to obtain employment as an actual journalist. “I’m pretty upset,” said Tyler Lyon, a victim of Tuesday’s corporate cut…
Harper hopes shuffle will improve cabinet sex life
OTTAWA – Attempting to spice things up in Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper unveiled a wide-ranging overhaul of his executive government on Monday, a move the P.M. is quite hopeful will…
