PETERBOROUGH, ON – When asked at a family dinner what he had done the previous weekend, local uncle William Tudor Falkes vehemently denied that he was in the habit of taking human lives at truck stops.
“I may not spend a lot of time in libraries, but that doesn’t mean I’ve ever buried a blade in someone’s guts outside a Tim Hortons in Burlington,” Falkes said.
Falkes went on to explain that a truck stop wasn’t even that good a location to commit murder, since it was usually well-lit and full of people and that, if anything, his niece should be accusing him of faking car trouble several hundred meters down the road from the truck stop and then bashing good samaritans in the back of the head with a tire iron before sinking them and their vehicles in the fens, but that even that was a claim for which she had “Zero evidence, zero evidence.”
“I’m now almost sure that Uncle Bill kills travellers for pleasure,” said Falkes’ niece, Emily. “But mostly I’m just happy that I didn’t have to carry the conversation this week.”
Emily’s view, however, is not held by all members of the family.
“I think that Emily’s accusations are dangerous talk, dangerous talk indeed,” said Matilda, Falkes’ wife. “I mean, it seems to me that Bill would need some kind of willing accomplice in order to carry out all of these supposed killings, and I just can’t imagine where he would find one.”
“Emily needs some time to think things over, maybe on a nice road trip down to Burlington,” Matilda concluded.
This is not the first time that controversy has erupted around the Falkes family dinner table. Last April, Emily’s request for her grandmother to pass the salt resulted in a lengthy tirade about how she could dare accuse her own grandmother of renting one of her babies to the military for psychological experiments aimed at inducing psychopathy.
“I hope this won’t happen again,” Emily said. “I’m spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s family. At least they’re open about the whole killing people thing.”
